Dec. 25 2019 - Just Another Day

It's Xmas Day.  Wishes to all, fa la la, and so on.

As for me, I say Humbug. My plan is to steer clear of any and all sentimental situations.

I am home at my desk. Wife and I celebrated Xmas last night. Today she is off cross-state to see the family. In my lousy condition, a trip like that would be misery for me and those around me.

So today is just another day. That was my mindset this morning when I checked the stock market, forgetting the date. Just another day.

Bad Drug?: Gabapentin

So I was wary from the get-go when I read it was a drug for epileptic seizures, as well as for restless legs, cramping, and apparently (so they said) neuropathy pain associated with a disk pinching a nerve.

It has a substantial downer effect. Subtle and dulling, like digesting a time-release barbiturate. Maybe there's a dash of mood modulator thrown in.  The pill's induced calm is supposed to be helpful with the yips and spasms that come with a herniated disk. Fact is, the pill hasn't been outwardly helpful to me. I feel a dull headache.

With it I sometimes feel like El Estúpido.

I was alarmed by the very recent FDA report condemning gabapentin.  To be on the safe side, it looks like dosage reduction might be advisable until the time comes when there's no more of that stuff in my system. Then again, if I find I need it I may continue taking it...well, the jury is out.

Rant about the Expression of Emotion

I am mistrustful of men who want to denigrate the expression of emotion as garbage or as something reserved for "neurotic females." That sort of contention is prejudicial, not to mention stupid and out of date. It's a bullying puffery long practiced by fraternal macho-men who are actually afraid, deep inside, of their own masculinity.

A gay friend told me that men who hide behind their tough Marlboro Man façade's, are actually the emotional sissies they want to condemn. Maybe even bigger sissies.

Which leads me to the containment or release of emotions related to pain. I've tried not to be "poor me" in describing my travails with a bad back. But I can sure as hell write about the experience, feelings included, without shame.

In my experience so far, pain leads a person on a similar path as the 5 stages of grief. Denial then Anger then Bargaining followed by Depression (I think I am drifting between numbers 2 and 4) and finally Acceptance.

Each stage has its associated emotions and agony. To say there are none, or to believe that a guy can or should go through pain without feelings, is a type of blindness. It is similar to the total unawareness and phony armor assumed by too many folks these days.

To not admit to one's heart and feelings is a form of cowardice.

Graphs and Attitudes and Shaggy Long Hair

One would think a steady and constant line would eventually trend upwards. And it did, like a stock price rising from a newly established baseline.

But the peak in my graph was brief. The graph dipped and resumed its erratic up and down spikes.

So be it. There are two attitudes to approach this whole goddam situation:

1. Retreat, or
2. Push forward.

It wasn't easy, just the simple trip of going in for a haircut. Hobbling in, I see the amazed look on my barber's face.  He asks where the heck I have been. He tells me of his customers who are Lauderdale boat captains out on the water for months. They come ashore and drift into the shop for a long overdue cleanup. I'm one of them today.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

One person in the tub.

Well, not exactly. But one person in the shower.

Me, unassisted. With a shower chair. Which is progress.

Aspirins and Acupuncture Needles

I have had to abstain a week from aspirin (and all other NSAIDs) prior to the second epidural. But now that the procedure has been moved to January 2, there's a window of time to take what I want.

I chose to go back to Bayer aspirins for a couple of days. In generous dosages. I fantasize that they work better than ibuprofen or acetaminophen. The other back drugs I currently take are for muscle spasms. If things get really bad, I have some Tramadol and a couple of Oxy's stashed away.

Today I went to visit an acupuncturist who my wife (who has also had back troubles) has been seeing.  The acupuncturist herself has back problems too and was well-tuned to anything I described. She also has that sort of sixth sense from being knowledgeable about Chinese medicine (tongue and pulse readings, herbs, etc) that led me to experience a different sort of examination, one that reminded, with all respect, of being with a psychic.

On leaving I paused to look at a purple crystal displayed in a central place of honor on her work table. She asked if I was looking at the nearby packages of needles, implying perhaps trepidation on my part. I said no, I have no fear of needles, and added by the way that the purple crystal is beautiful.

At this point I am not sure if or when I will start any acupuncture treatments. Seems the best route is to wait until the holidays and the 2nd set of injections are over.  And decide then.

The Three Weeks Ahead

Will take patience. Forbearing the pain. Stiff upper lip. All that.

I hate the burden it puts on my wife, who has already had five weeks of doing shit I should be doing.

Forecast:  Round 2 of the ESI will produce another five or six week wait before evaluation. I will know better next time to know there has to be a gap in time.

Injections

Right before Thanksgiving I had round 1 of the epidural injections. They gave me four shots near the L2/L3 area.

My understanding is the shots were directed into the spinal canal and were meant to "bathe" the general area with a cocktail of pain-relieving steroid medications.

Two days later I had significant relief, and my hopes were high. Unfortunately, things never got any better in week one, and my pain mostly returned in week two.  The week had a variety of ups and downs and varying sensations.

Round 2 of the injections is a couple of days from now.•

*As it turned out, this was a consultation and assessment visit. Soon the doc is going on Xmas vacation, and my injections appointment is now January 2, 2020.

Three fucking weeks out.

He advised again for me to be patient and to rest. He also brightened things by telling me again that sometimes protruding disk material is re-absorbed and dissolved, thereby moving away from the crowded or pinched nerve. Relief the natural way. One can hope.

Sunday Stubborn Legs

The feeling of having climbed a steep hill or stairs though not winded. In fact laying in bed.  But the legs are cramped, and there is sharp pain across the back and sacrum.

I turn over for extra sleep, still heavy-headed with Tizanidine. Wake up somewhat better.

Then there's the walk to the bathroom. There is always that damn walk. It's when my language is at its harshest and most profane.

On less stubborn-legged days, remembering the challenge, I take some free steps w/ no cane. Build them up.

Variations: Saturday Dec 7

Made a point of sleeping mostly flat on my back last night.  I was okay for a while then shifted my weight and imediately had back spasms and leg pain.

Changed to sleeping on the right side, which remains my most pain-free position.  In the morning after taking my sunrise pills*, I switched to laying on my back again.

I awoke with burning pain spread across my pelvis, hip to hip.  It was a new sensation in a calendar already loaded with varying locations and degrees of pain.

Once dressed and moving to the kitchen, I found my pelvic pain eased, but when seated the spasms and cramping continued. For the first time, I took a Tizanadine (a half - I cut them) in the daylight.

The day is proceeding and I feel much like I have generally: good when sitting and largely okay when sleeping, but in terrible pain when standing and walking. At least I am not having spasms.

*daily meds for the heart, not back

What is the Pain Like? and MRI as a Cosmic Burger

Symptoms vary day by day. Here are the main features that persist:

Acute radiating nerve pain (sciatica) from the lumbar region to the left hip and down into the left thigh.

Frequent immobilizing cramps and spasms in the left leg, sometimes down the calve.

Dull pain in back area. Sometimes sharp back pain that can bring lock-up moments. Requiring a sit-down and a wait.

All of these, I'm informed, are common effects of a protruding (herniated or ruptured) disc causing a pinched a nerve   The two other less-serious bulging discs - one with a small tear - also may be contributing. Or future accidents waiting to happen.

The Cosmic Hamburger Bun is the "standup MRI" near Holy Cross Hospital, where I went in for pictures. My GP sent me there after I expressed severe willies about a standard MRI coffin tube. He said I couldn't lay still anyway, so I went to this odd place and climbed a few steps to sit on a plastic chair squeezed between two giant hamburger buns (the resonating magnet housings). I was the pickle on the cheeseburger for a half hour as the robotic thing wheezed and whirred around me.

The Big Ouch and Medical NadaVille

Several uneventful days after the Chiro, I had lunch at the Longhorn. Afterwards, as I slid out the booth something slipped, broke, or simply went haywire.  I couldn't put any weight on the left leg without excruciating pain.

That Big Ouch was on October 30th.

They say it's pain radiating from a slipped disk, but to my Pain Meter (now pegged higher than ever) it feels like (or I imagine it feeling like) a freaking broken leg.

The Urgent Care Clinic was one stop early in the game. Nice clean place, but the doctor on duty, perhaps suspecting I was a pillhead busking for a new Rx for opioids, had me pee in a jar.  He said it was possible I had a kidney stone and gave me a scrip for Aleve.  Ha, ha.  Was he even listening?

So I went to the E.R. at the hospital up the street from where we live. The attention and questions there were more intelligent, but other than a smorgasbord of pills to take home, there was no treatment or diagnosis offered.  The doctor on duty said I should get an MRI, which was the best takeaway.  Maybe to make me feel better, he said it was probably just a deep muscle strain.

I was in NadaVille getting nowhere. An optimist would say I was working my way through the briars to get to the green meadow. But to me it was all Nada.

I would have to suck it up and get an MRI and to do that I had to revisit my GP for a scrip.  Like Go Back to Go, do not collect $200.

The Chiro Experience

I decided to try a Chiro first. I did a consultation and had some amateur X-rays taken. Using prehistoric equipment, he took two panels and showed me only one.  He gave a sales pitch, largely using the x-ray of some purported old geezer he had done wonders for. It was a kind of snake oil beginning. I should've been more cynical.

But I was hurting and limping and already using a stick (a five-iron) for moments like to get in and out of my car. I was looking for help, but largely unaware of my own anatomy - disks and etc. My pain felt more like muscle strain. I wasn't thinking clearly.

Over the next two weeks I went in for about eight treatments.

Physically, the table adjustments seemed mild. The Chiro sort of pressed and tugged at my pelvis, one side then the other.  It wasn't harsh or jerky. There were no TV-script crack! noises nor instant feel-good moments of relief.

Each adjustment cost me 20 bucks.  In total, with the X-rays, I spent $360 at his clinic.

I came to learn that the doc is a frustrated right-winger. He talked shit while working on me. I didnt get into it, kept neutral. But that sort of conversation did it for me. Maybe that was good luck.

Whether or not he somehow aggravated my condition, I can't say. He did ease the pain initially, and I was walking better. But in hindsight I think he knew I had a herniated disk (he called it a pinched nerve) and perhaps was less than completely careful in how he proceeded.

I mean I'm 71, not 35. And should I mention I'm also a Democrat?

Post Number 1: Dec 2, 2019

Blog Rationale

One reason I will write these posts is in case someone asks me how I'm doing or what it's like to have a wrecked lumbar spine. Rather than risk a long, pitiful, and self-referential reply, I can instead point them to these self-referential and rambling pages.

Sort of like the old Holden Caulfield line: "If you really want to hear about it..."

First, What's Not Covered

There is a ton of info on the web about the medical facts on herniated disks (condition HNP) and pinched sciatic nerve.  I am not going to regurgitate that stuff on my blog.  This my personal self-therapeutic account of things only.

Briefly, How it Started (or got worse)

Things added up in late August and September when I was overtaxing my back. Which has been tricky and troublesome for several years. I neglected it, kept going.

Then in September I made the last, grievous mistake of all by planting flowers, kneeling in an awkward way. The worst pain began, the pain which has not stopped yet. This was the moment I should have rested and/or gone in for an MRI.